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"It's a lot harder than it looks." Logan looked up at Scott, his hand still stroking Scott's erection. He had a look of consternation on his face.      

Scott looked down. "It doesn't look hard?" he asked, puzzled.      

"Not your cock, stupid. Giving head. It looks so easy when you're doing it to me. I'm really trying, here, but I can't get the hang of it." He put his head down again, licking the underside of Scott's cock slowly and thoroughly, with long rough strokes, enjoying the unfamiliar sensations as well as the sounds Scott was making. He worked his way up the shaft until he was right at the top, moving his tongue all around the head, lips sucking as he licked round and round. One hand stroking up and down and the other on his own hard on, moving in the same rhythm.     

Scott was moaning and whimpering a little, giving into the marvelous feeling, then stopping abruptly because he was worried he was too loud. Since they had come back to Westchester, Scott had been very aware that he and Logan didn't have the degree of privacy they'd had when they were all alone in that big house in Peru. Still, Logan's bedroom was near the Danger Room and far away from student dorms. No one was likely to be on this floor at all so late at night. So he resolved not to worry about the noise, leaning back and closing his eyes as Logan's mouth engulfed the head of his cock, moving down a little, hand still rubbing up and down, fingers meeting his mouth. "What are you talking about? This feels great. Your mouth... and your hand..."     

Logan's head came up again. Both hands on Scott now, he kept stroking him absentmindedly while he talked, one hand moving up and down the shaft, the other stroking the head with thumb and two fingers with strong, slow movements. Logan was clearly thinking about what they both were saying, but what he was doing with his hands was giving Scott shivers. He was having trouble following the conversational thread, wanting to just go with what Logan was doing to him and how it made him feel. But he worked at listening to what the man in front of him was saying, trying to focus his attention on Logan’s words, rather than his actions, as he continued talking. "I can't take it all the way in like you do. It makes me choke when I even try. How the fuck do you do that?" His eyes narrowed as he looked down again. "You're not any bigger than I am."     

Scott laughed at that. "Maybe I've got a bigger mouth."      

"That I'll believe." He bent down again and started licking Scott's balls while he stroked. Scott surrendered to the luxurious feeling again, hoping they were done talking. But pretty soon Logan stopped and asked, "Really, though. How do you do it?"      

"It's just something you do with your throat, sort of relaxing the muscles. It takes practice." He smiled. "I've had a lot of practice."     

"That I'll believe, too." Still stroking with one hand, Logan put the other one to his own neck, feeling around as he experimented with different kinds of swallowing motions. "Relaxing the muscles?" he asked. "How do you do that?"     

"I can teach you, if you want." He took Logan's hand away from his neck and brought it to his own mouth. Scott sucked the middle finger in deep, stroking it with his tongue. "But not now," he continued, letting Logan's hand go and sighing as Logan resumed stroking with both hands. Scott reflected absently that there were many times when he wished Logan would speak more, but just now he'd be happy if he'd shut up. "Just do what you were doing before. Please." The last word came out breathlessly, sighing as Logan bent his head back down to Scott's cock.     

Scott closed his eyes again. Logan looked up and saw the red glow fading as he continued to kiss and lick. One hand was stroking up and down, rotating slightly as he did, while the other cradled Scott's balls, a finger sliding up behind, into the crack of his ass, teasing the opening a little. The motions of Logan's hands and mouth were slow, steady, and powerful. Scott thought, not for the first time, that Logan's hands were amazing. Skin unbelievably soft, since his healing factor prevented calluses from forming, yet great strength and an almost superhuman control. And now, with what he was doing with his mouth as well, it felt totally glorious. “I never want this to end,” he thought clearly. He tried to hang on longer, feeling the approaching orgasm as Logan sucked on the head and rubbed harder and faster on the shaft. Finally, he couldn’t hold out any longer and gave into it, feeling the cum spurting out of him into Logan's mouth and opening his eyes to see if he'd swallow it.      

He did, or most of it anyway. Logan quickly got up and grabbed Scott by the back of his head, kissing him hard, excited by what he'd just done. Scott could taste his cum as Logan's tongue pushed into his mouth. Logan took Scott's hand, whispering, "Do me." Scott obliged, rubbing hard as they kissed, and then bending down to take Logan's cock in his mouth when the kiss ended. It wasn't long before he was tasting Logan's cum as well as his own.      

They sat there afterwards, breathing hard still, contented to sit side by side, companionably, without speaking.     

Logan broke the silence after a few minutes. "You liked it?"      

"Oh yes." Scott smiled happily. The smile disappeared and he asked, a little hesitantly, "Did you like doing it?"     

"Yeah," he replied, slowly, contemplatively. "A lot. I really wanted to but I wasn't sure I'd like it."     

"Well, I'm glad you did."     

"It felt great. I loved the taste of you, the feel of doing it to you. And something else.” He held his head to one side, thinking. “Part of it was sort of feeling like you were totally in my hands."     

"And in your mouth." They both laughed at that.     

"Yeah, but you know what I mean. Feeling like I was doing something big to you. Something powerful. Really turned me on. I sure didn't last long afterwards."      

"Yeah, I noticed." Scott thought some more. "Did it feel like... a big deal? A big step to take? You'd never done it before, right?"     

"I don't know, really. There's a lot of stuff I don't remember." Logan looked away. "But, no, I don't think I ever did. Not in the time that's still there in my brain. Or the part of my brain I can get to." He laughed, a low chuckle. "And if I get the professor to read my mind again, I don't think I'll ask him to look for forgotten blow jobs, necessarily. At least not first thing." He thought some more. "I'm not sure what you mean by a big deal. It did feel different than doing other stuff, different than what we've been doing, or what I’d done with other men. I thought about what you said that time, about knowing what it feels like. I knew what you were feeling. I wanted you to feel what I've been feeling when you blow me. I guess that's why I wanted to take it all the way in."     

"I thought it was just because you couldn't stand the thought of me being able to do something you can't." Logan laughed again at that. "Seriously, though, I guess by a big deal, I meant that it's kind of a defining act or something." He looked away again. "I thought it might make you wonder if you're gay."     

"Nah."     

Logan seemed unconcerned about the question, so Scott persisted. “Did you ever think that? Or that you’re bisexual? I mean, you say you’ve had sex with other men.”      

“Yeah, even some I remember.” He didn’t say anything for a long time. Scott wondered if he was going to say more at all. “I guess that gay and bi stuff doesn’t mean a lot to me. I don’t really get it. It’s women I’ve been interested in. Well, until recently,” he added, looking with pleasure up and down Scott’s body. “I’ve done it with men mostly ‘cause it was convenient, I guess.”     

“Convenient?” Scott laughed.     

“What’s funny about that?”     

“I don’t know. It just sounded kind of funny. What do you mean?”      

Logan shrugged. “Men are easy, I guess.” He thought about it. “I was moving around a lot. Didn’t really know anybody. But I wanted sex. Needed it. I like to have my cock sucked and there’s always some guys that like to suck cock. They’re easy to find lots of places. And you don’t have to talk nice to them or buy them dinner or anything. Easier than women. Convenient.”     

“I guess so. So, you don’t usually feel attracted to men? Just women?”      

“Mostly women. Until you. I mean, I definitely got off on guys giving me head, but not the specific guy. Sometimes I’d feel a little of what you were saying that time, that connection or whatever it is of you both being men. Thinking of him sucking my cock, thinking he probably likes having his cock sucked, too. But I never felt like doing anything to the other guy. I never even touched them, really, never jerked them off like I’ve been doing with you.”      

“Were you... repelled by the idea of touching another guy’s cock, of bringing him off?”      

“Nah, I don’t think so. Just no interest. I just wanted to get off.” He mused a little more. “Sometimes there was something else. I liked the fact of this guy on his knees in front of me, too, some of the time. Sort of felt good the same way fighting does, when I win. And I always win,” he added with a smile. “But lots of times I’d close my eyes and pretend it’s a woman there doing it. And, what you said about noticing people – it’s always the women I notice, can’t look away from. Or was. I don’t know – it’s been different with you. I wanted to look at you; I like looking at you." Scott felt warmed by his intent gaze. "I wanted to touch you, knew when you sucked me off I wouldn’t be thinking of anybody else. It’s been like that for a long time. Maybe from the start. Although that was all mixed up with hating your guts,” he added with a chuckle.     

“Yeah, we didn’t get off to a good start. But a lot of that was Jean, don’t you think? Being in love with the same woman?”     

Logan shook his head. “I was never in love with her. I wanted to fuck her, no getting away from that, but I wasn’t in love. And maybe,” he added slowly, like he was trying to get it straight in his head, “Maybe I partly wanted to have her kind of as a way of getting you. I’m not sure.” He thought about it some more. “But I’m sure it wasn’t love. I ain’t never been in love.”     

“With the usual caveats,” Scott interjected with a smile.      

“Whatever that means.”     

“Oh, just that you can’t know for sure. Because of the amnesia. You just know that you don’t remember being in love.”     

Logan thought about that one for a minute. “Nah, I bet I’d know if I had,” he said. He didn’t say anything more, and Scott waited, not knowing whether to press him further. When Logan spoke again, it seemed to be an entirely different topic. “I can speak Japanese, you know.”      

“No, I didn’t know.” Eyebrows raised.     

Logan chuckled. “What?"     

"It just seemed like quite the non sequitur."     

"Hang on. It has something to do with what we were talking about, trust me.” He closed his eyes in memory. “I didn’t know I could for a long time,” he continued. “Isn’t that weird? To know a language but not know you know it? I didn’t know lots of stuff I know. When I woke up in the woods that time, well, I had other things on my mind. I didn’t remember a lot, but I didn’t know what I didn’t remember, couldn’t even tell what was missing. I mean, I knew something awful had happened to me and I knew that I wanted to die. So, that’s kind of all I focused on for a while. But when I couldn’t...” He looked away from Scott. “Well, then I started thinking about what I did and didn’t know. It took a while to even realize how much was missing. I mean, I kind of didn’t even notice what I didn’t know, or maybe didn’t realize that other people did know that stuff. It all seems so fucked up when I look back on it, but it must’ve taken me a year or two to even think it was strange that I don’t know my whole name. Can you believe that?”     

Scott nodded. “I’ve read up on post-traumatic amnesia lately.” He reddened a little at Logan’s inquiring expression. “Well, I’m interested in what you’ve been through. I’m trying to understand,” he added hurriedly. “Anyway, what you’re saying is kind of typical. The amnesiac doesn’t even know what information is missing, doesn’t have a clear sense of what he ought to know. It takes time to sort of get a handle on the extent of the amnesia. Often it’s family or friends or the amnesiac’s doctor that clues him into what he’s missing.”      

“Yeah, that’s what it was like for me. Logan – I knew that was my name, but I still don’t even know if it’s my first name or my last name. And I knew I was a mutant, knew about the claws and the heightened senses before I had to use them.”      

“What about the healing factor?”     

“No, I didn’t know that part. Not at first. I was real surprised when I found out – first time I tried to kill myself,” he added. “I used my claws, put ‘em right into my heart. It hurt like hell, but I didn’t die. I was so pissed off. And confused, too. I mean how can a person get stabbed through the heart and not die? But then, after a minute, it kind of came back and it made sense to me why it didn’t work. I spent a month or more trying different ways, but none of them worked. I was still alive. And by the end of that I was almost feeling more mad that I couldn’t do it than just wanting to die for its own sake, if that makes any sense.” He laughed ruefully. “Pretty fucked up, like I said. But I figured it was time to give up on trying to kill myself and start looking for how I got to be this way.”      

“And the suicidal feelings were just gone after that?”     

“Nah, they come back sometimes. I try to fight ‘em when they do.” He paused again. “Booze helps sometimes. Sometimes it makes it worse. Hard to know. Sex helps, though, pretty much all the time. It’s worse – the suicidal stuff – when I’m doing without.” He looked at Scott. “You’ve been helping me.”     

“I live to serve.” Scott tried for a light tone, knowing that the last thing Logan would want was any expression that might sound like pity.     

Logan continued. “Anyway, it was like you said, I didn’t have a clear sense of what I should know so I didn’t know what I was missing. But I didn’t have any family or friends or doctors to clue me in. And I was moving from place to place, not talking to people much, just kind of figuring it out on my own. So, I started to realize I was missing a lot, but I still didn’t know what I did know. So, for example, I didn’t know I could speak Japanese. I was mostly in rural Canada, not anywhere you’d hear anybody talking in Japanese, eh?”      

“I guess not. How did you find out?”     

“Well, sometimes I would go into the cities, trying to find out more about who I am and how I got to be this way. I had this idea that it had something to do with the government there, so I’d gone to Ottawa. And I’m sitting in this bar one night – no luck on what I was trying to find out so I’m just hanging out there feeling discouraged, trying to distract myself from my own thoughts, which weren’t good ones. Well, you know how it is - heightened senses – I can hear anything I want to. So, I’m just kind of scanning the room, seeing if anybody’s saying anything interesting. There was this blonde in a booth across the room, whispering to her boyfriend about what they were gonna do that night, but that was just getting me horny, so I figured I’d move on. Two Japanese guys were in the booth next to them, just talking business. What they were saying wasn’t so interesting, but I couldn’t stop listening to them. I could understand every word. Well, not quite – there was some stuff about their work that I didn’t get, maybe it was too technical or something. But most of it was just as easy to understand as English. So, that’s when I knew I knew Japanese.”     

“And you can speak it, too?” Logan nodded. “We have a Japanese student here. Masako. Have you met her?”     

Logan nodded again. “Yeah, I’ve talked to her a few times. She likes having somebody to talk to in her native language. She says I have a ‘country’ accent, that I talk like her grandparents. She’s from Tokyo, but her grandparents live in a village up north.” He mused some more. “That makes sense to me. I look at pictures of Tokyo and it doesn’t look familiar at all. But sometimes, I see pictures of rural Japan, the countryside or villages, and I know it. Not just the language. I know the plants and the animals – sometimes I know the names for them in Japanese but not in English. I can look at the picture and know what it sounds like there, what it smells like.” He looked right at Scott. “I have no memory of being in Japan. I don’t have any idea when I was there or what the fuck I was doing there. But I know I was there. I know the language, the clothes, the food, the people. So, I’m sure I was there.”     

“Okay, that makes sense.” Scott nodded, encouraging Logan to continue.      

“Well, when people talk about being in love, like when you talk about Jeannie... it’s not like you’re talking in English. Or Japanese. It’s like another language, one I don't know. Or maybe not like that. I mean I understand the words. But I don’t understand the idea, not like I would if it had happened to me. If I’d ever been in love, I might not know when or how, like I don’t know when I was in Japan. But I’d know it had happened, I’m sure of it.”


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